We hope you’ll enjoy these tongue-in-cheek carols for writers in the spirit in which they’re intended: The holiday spirit, that is!

 

White Christmas

I’m dreaming of a new contract
One where the deadline’s loose, you know
Just a mere suggestion
A vague impression
Of when the work be good to go

I’m dreaming of a new contract
Ten bucks for every word I write
May your edits be easy, so light
And may nonexclusive be your rights.

 

Jingle Bells

“Em dashes, you know,
Should be used sparingly,”
My copy edit says—
But I just let them be.
A comma will not do;
A period’s too cold.
Don’t make me wield my “stet, stet, stet!”—
I’ll fight you till I’m old.

Oh! Em dashes, em dashes
Em dash all the way—
This page might have forty-five
But I like it that way!

Oh! Em dashes, em dashes
Em dash all the way
I’m taking this personally—
My marks are here to stay.

 

Good King Random House

Good king Random House looked down
On piles of submissions
So long I’ve been in that pile
Such endless auditions

Every day I drink the wine
Waiting on an answer
My agent says this is fine
My spouse begs to differ

 

Silent Night

Silent night, holy night
Please hush down
Let me write!
People warned this is hard with a child
I thought you’d sleep at least once in a while
Please let me write in peace
Please let me write in peace

Silent night, holy night
When you see my office light
That’s no cue to come pound on my door
I feel like we’ve been through this before
Could you please ask your dad?
Could. You. Please. Go. Get. Your. Dad.

 

Santa Baby

Santa baby, a six-figure advance would be nice
Just twice
I’ve been writing for years
Santa cutie
So hurry through the Big Five tonight

Think of all the drafts I’ve singed
Think of all the TV shows I haven’t binged
Malcolm Gladwell would be proud of me
10,000 hours under my Christmas tree

 

Deck the Halls

Seasons Greetings from Career Authors
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hank, Jess, Paula, Brian, and Dana
Fa la la la la, la la la la
We’re so grateful to our readers
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
And we’ll see you in the new year!
Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Have a carol of your own? Chime in on our Facebook discussion! No matter what you celebrate, whether you’re writing beneath the tree or enjoying a well-earned break, seasons greetings from all of us to all of you.