For many a scribbler, there’s confusion and controversy about when they may officially call themselves a writer. Is it when they type THE END on their manuscript’s last page? Or maybe it’s when they get their first rejection letter or secure an agent or a book contract or get a Goodreads review.
What about you? Review this highly scientific survey to determine if you have mere literary leanings, or if you meet the strict criteria to adopt the lofty title of “Writer.”
THE REAL WRITER TEST
While in line at the DMV, do you write your great idea in Notes on your phone?
If so, you are a writer.
Do you fail to recall the last book you read?
You are not a writer.
Annoying people are always interrupting you.
You may be a writer.
Can you be talked out of your project by people (or the voice in your head) saying it’s too hard, taking too much of your time, and you will never make any money?
You are not a writer.
Do you procrastinate for three days before you write one incredible paragraph?
You are a writer.
While engaged in a furious argument with your partner, are you eager for it to be over so you can go and write down the best bits of dialogue?
You are a writer.
You read both Salman Rushdie’s Midnight’s Children and The Satanic Verses from beginning to end.
I’m guessing you’re a writer.
Are you a drug addict, an alcoholic, or psychologically unstable?
You may be a writer.
When you are telling the story of yesterday’s fender bender, it is recounted with a beginning, middle and climactic end.
There is a good possibility you are a writer.
You don’t take books or a Kindle on vacation.
You are not a writer.
Did you choose your side hustle because its flexible hours gave you enough time to schedule your writing?
You are a writer.
Do you digest lunch with a cat in your lap while sitting at your desk in front of your laptop?
You are a writer.
When bad things happen, do you delight in their potential narrative power?
You are a sociopath or a writer or both.
Did you enjoy reading Moby-Dick in ninth grade?
You are probably a writer.
Do you save the receipts when you buy ink cartridges so you can write them off on your taxes?
You are a writer.
You leave snooty, negative Amazon book reviews.
You may or may not be a writer. Either way, you’re a jerk.
You use the word “salubrious.”
You are a writer.
Do you casually carry around hifalutin books so other people will think you are smart?
You are not a writer.
“A debut novel that reads like a masterpiece.” When you read that review of Douglas Stuart’s Shuggie Bain, a finalist for the National Book Award and winner of the Booker Prize, are you resentful and suicidal?
You are a writer.
Do you actually back up your computer twice a year?
You may be a writer.
You are learning to accept and take criticism like the grownup writers do, but it’s a process.
You are a writer.
Do you cry when your characters cry, laugh when they laugh, burn with their anger?
You are a writer.
Do you give books as gifts and inscribe them?
You may be a writer.
You view potential friends as potential Beta readers.
You are a writer.
Do footnotes give you a thrill?
You are a writer.
Is a spelling mistake a sexual turnoff?
You are a writer.
You have framed rejection letters.
You may be a writer.
Are you a nosy person?
You may be a writer.
In your basement or back closet, is there a box full of legal pads and an old typewriter?
You are a writer.
When writing texts, you use semi-colons; SMA and TTYL make you cringe.
You are a writer.
Can you “kill your darlings”?
You are a writer.
Does Marie Kondo bug you because every single book in your book collection sparks joy?
You are a writer.
Do you never use a thesaurus?
You are not a writer.
Do you sometimes confuse your fictional world and the real one?
You are a writer.
Do you insist that no one speak to you before noon?
There is a good possibility that you are a writer.
You don’t believe in plot. Plot is overrated and irrelevant to you.
You are an unpublished literary writer.
Are you too embarrassed to call yourself a writer?
You may be a writer.
Are you writing and editing, writing and editing, working diligently towards that day when you finally get it right?
You are a writer.
What other criteria qualifies or disqualifies one as a real writer? Share with us on Facebook!
